Luxor

Previously an ancient capital city, this place was pretty cool and managed the kind of mystique I was hoping for in Cairo. Incredibly, the streets were still in basically the same condition back when the Pharoahs were walking like Egyptians in 2000 BC. Luxor is not for people with bad hips though - you really have to scrabble to get onto the sidewalks, with gutters and roads about 50 cm below the sidewalk. Climbing the streets of Luxor was the most exercise I did the entire time I was away. (No wonder I got so fat - another story).

The streets of Luxor were not only perilous to climb, but also filled with crazed horses and their carts, with the men on the front trying to drag you onto the cart to make a quick Egyptian pound. The horses were the rolling-eyes variety, so we didn't ride them until we absolutely had to (ie: shoved onto them by Shadi. Who could say no to Shadi though?).

Luxor is also a shopper's paradise - this is where I bought pretty much all of the stuff I purchased in the Middle East. Riani and I had to comb the streets to find the bazaar, but when we did, we were in heaven. This is where bargaining became really fun, and the marriage proposals came thick and fast. Time is not an issue for these people - they just sit around, smoking shisha and drinking mud-like coffee and bargaining with the occasional tourist. The first store we went into was truly revolting, but Riani seemed quite taken with all the silver. We were in there I think for an hour. The stench was foul - thick, thick smoke. The shopkeeper was worse - soccer strip, silver jewellery dripping off him, grease-monkey hair, a weasel-like expression and - troublingly - a bandaid on his face (we went back the next day and it was still there - I don't know how long bandaids stay on your skin for, but I am willing to bet that little baby had been there at least 3 days before we appeared at his door). We spent so much time in his store! Oh my God! I was subtly trying to drag Riani out (He's ripping you off; let's check out the rest of the market; it stinks in here; this guy is a freak; please, please let's get out of here) but she was in a position of power knowing that, being the baby, I wouldn't go anywhere alone. So I endured the stench. He sleazed onto Riani like I could not believe, but after an hour she remained unconvinced (we ended up back there with an hour before the boat was meant to leave, bargaining with the little monster again). Then we discovered Habib (everyone we met was called either Habib or Hussein - except Shadi of course, but he really was a breed apart) who was a lot more fun and didn't stink at all. We spent ages in his shop too, but it was more fun. Except when he tried to extract kisses from us - I wished I had a fake ring on then. No one would believe me when I said I had a damn boyfriend! It was so frustrating. Is it so hard to believe that a male would find me attractive? Apparently so. Anyway - I could rave on about the shopping in Luxor for hours, so I guess I have to limit it (I understand few people derive the same pleasure as I do dissecting each moment of a shopping expedition), but suffice to say I got some cool stuff and had loads of fun with the local men in the process. Riani got offered more camels for marriage than me which was insulting, but I just thought it was because she already had a ring and they needed to work harder to woo her. She thought it was because she had blonde hair and was prettier. hmf!

Lunch = the fateful felafel sandwich that rendered me violently ill for the next few days. Ick

We went out to Abu Simbel and had to go in an armed convoy. Before we left we got the special treatment - mirrors under the bus, armed guards stalking around looking important. Whatever. Just get me to a toilet. The bus trip was a total nightmare and we had the "Breakfast Box". I hate the Breakfast Box. They are god-awful - pretty boxes, with yucky food inside. We had them when we caught trains too. Yuck. Anyway - the temples were amazing, but this was the site of that massive terrorist attack back in 1999 with the nail bomb, which killed 52 people. Frankly I'm surprised more people didn't die - there was one exit, it was gloomy and you were crammed into this place staring at hieroglyphs with heaps of other people. The place made me mildly claustrophobic, so I hung around outside with a Melbourne family I'd met. I had to leave in the middle of a conversation to reignite my affair with the toilet women. Eesh.

Cruisin'

The Lonely Planet authors really are a pack of lying bastards. Not only was it a load of crap that you can't go to Egypt in December because it's too cold, but you also don't need to cover up that much. I mean I got groped by some lecherous pig when I was decked out in my full-on Muslim outfit, but when I was in Western tourist clothing (bikini, shorts etc) no one touched me. I decided to ignore the possible suggestion that I look better completely covered up...

Finally I had made it to the Nile. Poems have been written about it, songs sung (in Arabic so I couldn't understand them, but apparently they love singing about the Nile), and an entire book devoted to it by my favourite old lady, Aggie C. Unfortunately certain members of the Royal Family didn't get knocked off in suspicious circumstances to provide a bit of drama (which I just HATE you realise, I prefer things to be uneventful) but the Nile cruise was super relaxing and totally awesome. Dude.

Although the Nile looks quite harmless in this shot (and in all of my photos annoyingly) one shouldn't be fooled. The Nile is rife with crocodiles, parasites which sit in your stomach for 3 years before eating your internal organs long after the misguided dip in the Nile is forgotten, 3 headed fish (not scientifically proven) and some amazing chemicals. The Nile is not something you would willingly step into, unless you are American and ignorant. One American woman I spoke to washed her HAIR in it. Amazingly, it was still on her head when I spoke to her about this. I decided not to mention the parasites or the war. There are far too many Americans as it is.

I also discovered on this trip that environmental law has messed up my ability to look at a landscape an appreciate it for what it's worth. Instead of going "wow, look at the Nile" I went "oh my God you canNOT have a sewerage pumping system in the middle of the main water supply for an entire population" etc etc. Although I did say "wow" a lot just to fit in.

Exciting moments on the Nile cruise included:

• Passing through 5 star boats thinking that maybe, just maybe, our boat would be as big and luxurious. Yeah right! We were on an "adventure" tour. The boat was good though. See toilet comment below.
• Catwoman passing out on a deck chair from the ill effects of alcoholism.
• The Egyptian theme night (I dressed as Cleopatra, with that unique idea promptly shot down in flames by Shadi - dad - who told me that even though I looked "nice" (don't you just hate that word?), Cleopatra is a nobody in Egyptian culture because she lost basically the whole kingdom while she was in power and all she did was shag powerful men. Some women aspire to do that. Monica Llewinsky, Marilyn Monroe, that girl who is dating Prince William - bitch, he was mine). The crew members plus others I hadn't previously recognised on the boat also came out to liven up the party by dancing and hauling all the girls up to dance with them. The single girls didn't know quite how to react so we kind of smiled and clapped, but the married women were free to go nuts wiggling their hips like right little harem-girls. That was possibly the first time in my life I wished I was married without the additional add-ons I usually require such as loaded, hot, smart, likes BBC television shows. *sigh* The night ended with us playing cards and Shadi watching Kill Bill. I can't understand why the night ended like that.
• Playing Egyptian party games which involved hip thrusting with a potato tied around your waist, blindfolds and being drenched in water. Middle Eastern men have a weird sense of humour, I'll leave it at that.
• The toilet and hand basin - both located directly below the shower (convenient as my e.Coli began on the cruise). I figured out the finer details of how taps work, after being drenched by the shower when all I wanted to do was wash my hands.
• Fever. It began on the trip, accompanied by severe back pain and craaaaaazy hallucinations. Defintely something I ate - at first I thought I had accidently ingested magic mushrooms, although in hindsight I think it was just a dodgy felafel. Boring!
• Shadi-lust also started to reach fever pitch on the boat, I think because he was sleeping in such close proximity to us all, yet was still so distant. He took us to see a few temples, and we saw how clever he was (he studies Egyptology, he'd want to know a thing or two) which just added fuel to the crackling fire. My own fever helped me win in the attention stakes, as I came close to passing out at Komombo (the gold temple - didn't see a stick of gold mind you). He gave me concerned looks (yessss!!!!!!!!!!!) and he even TOUCHED me and asked if I was ok. He then recoiled at the burning skin and suggested I see a doctor. Even so. I won.