The Royal Family (aka the Tour Group)

So called because we are lazy, slow, and like nothing more than to sit around eating and talking. If it weren´t a dry country, we would also enjoy drinking. Anyway - let me introduce you...

The Patriarch: Shadi, our tour leader. Shadi (pronounced Shardy, but who introduced himself as "I´m Shardy your tour leader. It´s spelt like shady. Like dodgy." This was the longest sentence he uttered the entire trip essentially). Shadi was the distant patriach who spoke little, yet everyone desparately vied for his attention and a display of concern from him. I won, but it took a nasty bout of e.coli to do it. Shadi sat around smoking a shisha, drinking coffee and observing. He had nothing to say to us. We were all like boring wives.

The Matriarch: Jean, wife of Dave. Jean is English born and married to a Kiwi guy, Dave who she bosses around with a considerable amount of authority and little concern for how she sounds when she demands money, food or water. Jean is cool and interesting, but she´s the boss.

Amoeba Girl: Weird looking, weird mannerisms and a very sudden burst of alcoholism in the last few days of the trip which involved her scouring the backstreets of Alexandria for even one drop of alcohol. I thought she was a cancer patient when I first met her (she´s incredibly pale, draws on her eyebrows - I thought lost through chemo - and I also thought she´d lost her hair because she had a Canteen bandanna on. All of these things are actually fashion statements.) Anyway careful questioning appeared to indicate she is not a cancer patient, plus she has all her hair. No explanation for the eyebrows though.

Luke & Lila: They are one entity. A couple from Perth married in March. They are seriously a pin-up for marriage, they have such an amazing relationship. I was jealous, but I didn´t marry an Egyptian despite offers of thousands of camels (yuck).

Catwoman: Friends with Amoeba Girl. She was on a mission to save every stray cat (a hangover from the Sphinx I imagine) on the streets of Cairo, and she would get very titchy if someone said something mean about cats. Actually she would become pathological. She was older than she appeared and had some very strange mannerisms - a weird shuffle-walk, head twitch, and twist of the mouth. She also went through an alcoholic phase, and would pass out on a sun bed on the Nile cruise. Very weird.

The Chimney: Puffing on a cigarette every opportunity she got, this woman smoked about 4 packs a day. God she stank. She said to Riani (concerned-dr hat on) that she would quit whenever she wanted. Last purchase in Egypt? What for any ordinary smoker would be a lifetime supply of cigarettes. Will probably last her a week.

The Fearless Protector: Riani. I have mentioned her - she was like my saviour. We had the exact same inappropriate thoughts (I bet there is a bomb on this bus) at the exact same instant. We both cried in various middle eastern airports for similar reasons - men holding machine guns and saying "no" to us - we both don´t like this word. Riani was the person I clung to when we crossed the road and whose plate I checked to see if the food was OK to eat. (She´s a dr after all!)

The Baby: Me. I refused to go anywhere by myself, had the attention span of a gnat and sulked when things didn´t go my way. On the odd occasion I did do something by myself, I would take the first opportunity I had to be with other people again. I got so lonely! I also got attention from Shadi (dad) because I gobbled my food so fast and got some nasty bacteria which caused fever, back ache, sore belly and hallucinations. Dad even got me a dr.

There were others on the tour, but they were normal which is boring. But they were nice! I really liked my tour group and everywhere we went we had fun. I would NEVER travel through a Middle Eastern country by myself. Never never never.