Cruisin'

The Lonely Planet authors really are a pack of lying bastards. Not only was it a load of crap that you can't go to Egypt in December because it's too cold, but you also don't need to cover up that much. I mean I got groped by some lecherous pig when I was decked out in my full-on Muslim outfit, but when I was in Western tourist clothing (bikini, shorts etc) no one touched me. I decided to ignore the possible suggestion that I look better completely covered up...

Finally I had made it to the Nile. Poems have been written about it, songs sung (in Arabic so I couldn't understand them, but apparently they love singing about the Nile), and an entire book devoted to it by my favourite old lady, Aggie C. Unfortunately certain members of the Royal Family didn't get knocked off in suspicious circumstances to provide a bit of drama (which I just HATE you realise, I prefer things to be uneventful) but the Nile cruise was super relaxing and totally awesome. Dude.

Although the Nile looks quite harmless in this shot (and in all of my photos annoyingly) one shouldn't be fooled. The Nile is rife with crocodiles, parasites which sit in your stomach for 3 years before eating your internal organs long after the misguided dip in the Nile is forgotten, 3 headed fish (not scientifically proven) and some amazing chemicals. The Nile is not something you would willingly step into, unless you are American and ignorant. One American woman I spoke to washed her HAIR in it. Amazingly, it was still on her head when I spoke to her about this. I decided not to mention the parasites or the war. There are far too many Americans as it is.

I also discovered on this trip that environmental law has messed up my ability to look at a landscape an appreciate it for what it's worth. Instead of going "wow, look at the Nile" I went "oh my God you canNOT have a sewerage pumping system in the middle of the main water supply for an entire population" etc etc. Although I did say "wow" a lot just to fit in.

Exciting moments on the Nile cruise included:

• Passing through 5 star boats thinking that maybe, just maybe, our boat would be as big and luxurious. Yeah right! We were on an "adventure" tour. The boat was good though. See toilet comment below.
• Catwoman passing out on a deck chair from the ill effects of alcoholism.
• The Egyptian theme night (I dressed as Cleopatra, with that unique idea promptly shot down in flames by Shadi - dad - who told me that even though I looked "nice" (don't you just hate that word?), Cleopatra is a nobody in Egyptian culture because she lost basically the whole kingdom while she was in power and all she did was shag powerful men. Some women aspire to do that. Monica Llewinsky, Marilyn Monroe, that girl who is dating Prince William - bitch, he was mine). The crew members plus others I hadn't previously recognised on the boat also came out to liven up the party by dancing and hauling all the girls up to dance with them. The single girls didn't know quite how to react so we kind of smiled and clapped, but the married women were free to go nuts wiggling their hips like right little harem-girls. That was possibly the first time in my life I wished I was married without the additional add-ons I usually require such as loaded, hot, smart, likes BBC television shows. *sigh* The night ended with us playing cards and Shadi watching Kill Bill. I can't understand why the night ended like that.
• Playing Egyptian party games which involved hip thrusting with a potato tied around your waist, blindfolds and being drenched in water. Middle Eastern men have a weird sense of humour, I'll leave it at that.
• The toilet and hand basin - both located directly below the shower (convenient as my e.Coli began on the cruise). I figured out the finer details of how taps work, after being drenched by the shower when all I wanted to do was wash my hands.
• Fever. It began on the trip, accompanied by severe back pain and craaaaaazy hallucinations. Defintely something I ate - at first I thought I had accidently ingested magic mushrooms, although in hindsight I think it was just a dodgy felafel. Boring!
• Shadi-lust also started to reach fever pitch on the boat, I think because he was sleeping in such close proximity to us all, yet was still so distant. He took us to see a few temples, and we saw how clever he was (he studies Egyptology, he'd want to know a thing or two) which just added fuel to the crackling fire. My own fever helped me win in the attention stakes, as I came close to passing out at Komombo (the gold temple - didn't see a stick of gold mind you). He gave me concerned looks (yessss!!!!!!!!!!!) and he even TOUCHED me and asked if I was ok. He then recoiled at the burning skin and suggested I see a doctor. Even so. I won.