Death on the Nile

Oh I thought it would be soooo funny if something really crazy and dramatic happened while cruising down the Nile (to another member of the Royal Family, of course!). I think a few quips apply to the situation that followed for me: "Devil got you", "Be careful what you wish for" or the more simple and stunningly effective use of one word - "Karma". Oh yes... Sometimes what you wish for is the last thing you could have possibly wanted. (Mary Alice voice)

I have to admit from the outset that while I BRIEFLY thought I was going to die while we cruised down the Nile, I actually had that thought for a more prolonged period when I was back on familiar, Australian soil. So although technically (and who wants to get technical anyhow - I mean this is a HOLIDAY blog. We're relaxed, right?) it wasn't death ON the Nile, it was death as a RESULT of the Nile. So it's close enough.

This is that dreaded bit e.Coli that I somehow ingested somewhere in Egypt. Although it got me some Shadi-attention, albeit very briefly, this really didn't make up for the drama back home in Australia. Let me give you a chronology:

• Ill in Egypt - continue sightseeing, as will be buggered if I'm going to sit in a shitty hotel room with Arabic music programs for entertainment.
• Shadi stares at me longingly (hahaha! I actually meant "long") and suggests I see a Dr because, I assume, although I am gorgeous, he's seen me more gorgeous.
• Dr prescribes medicine.
• I appear to get better.
• Dr Phil checks the prescription in London and delivers the shocking news that the medicine is only available in Egypt because it doesn't work. Me no care, I think, I am BETTER! Except for some exceptional fluid retention and bloating. I blamed Royal Jordanian airlines for that one.
• Arrive in Thailand MASSIVELY bloated. Consider not leaving JP's unit, but get plastered instead. Very, very clever.
• Arrive home in Australia - hung over and bloated (I will give the bloated story later. It's great - really. Everyone loves a good laugh at my expense).
• Return to work. (This signals trouble)
• Get ill and have pain in my stomach so bad that I think I might have appendicitis. After sitting hunched over the toilets at work for approx 1 hour, a lovely secretary takes me to the Dr. I tell her I'll be fine. I pass out in the toilet from the pain (or something). Get drugs. Think will be better.
• Dr rings in panic - take new drugs or DIE!!!!!!!!! (just kidding. or end up in hospital, which in Qld is effectively a death sentence anyway).
• Take drugs. Feel better. Stop taking drugs. Start feeling "weird".
• Work hideous hours - including a Saturday. This particular fateful day, I piss blood (a beautiful thing) get lost finding the dr and ring Alex panicked - I REALLY want to go out tonight, but there is the small matter of me pissing blood and feeling hideously ill. Can she think of a tea or something I could drink that would make me ok to go out? Um, no. How about hospital.
• Hospital. I thought I would die, but it was private. I survived. Got a mother of a drip shoved into my arm and got pumped full of antibiotics (I believe I screamed). Listened to my friend Lee discuss the finer points of guys being arseholes. Like I didn't know. Hello! Where the hell was Shadi when I needed him?? (Ha ha. Just kidding).
• Home with parents to receive stern discussions re looking after oneself and working oneself into the ground. Took on board seriously the thought of taking Vitamin C. This would surely fix the bastard bacteria firmly lodged in my kidney.
• Attend the Aunty Bev rehab clinic. Fabulous. Restored immediately - counted weight watcher points; watched midday movies and soaps and attended cinema. Took lots of drugs also.
• More needles and urine tests. Got hit on by doctor - sorry but why would you make eyes at someone who is holding a cup of their own urine? Really not attractive, no matter how short the skirt and dark the tan.

So, dear reader - the hapless adventurer did not die! The story ends happily with the author returned to health and pissing regularly. I am yet to make up for the evening ruined for Alex & co. And trust me. There were plenty of "Baby" moments during the entire debacle. It's amazing how much mileage you can get out of admission to hospital.